On injections

I'm doing my second Menopur injection tonight, and (I'm guessing) will do my HCG injection late tomorrow. In the spectrum of infertility treatments, my 2 or 3 injections per cycle are nothing compared to what others have done. And, fortunately for me, I really don't mind needles. Never have. I have no anxiety about giving myself an injection, and the process is over before I know it.

But still.

As I stood there last night, aiming the tiny needle at my belly, I hesitated. I wish I didn't have to stab myself right now...I thought. And the anticipation of actually doing it caused my heart to skip a beat. But before I could psych myself out, I jabbed the needle in. And as I slowly pushed in the medication, I felt the burn and wanted the whole thing to be over already. But I forced myself to continue, slowly and steadily, and then withdrew the needle. The look of the needle puncturing my skin was gross.

The things we do for infertility treatments are pretty amazing, huh? I look forward to non-needle days ahead with (hopefully) a baby in my belly!

I have my monitoring appointment tomorrow morning, and I am hoping all looks good with the ovaries.

For once, no waiting!

I am still so happily surprised and excited that we got to jump right into another cycle. I realized that we have always, always had to wait for something in this past year...and I am so thankful for this gift. Our first "no waiting" cycle!

However, many of the waiting periods were gifts as well, and God gave us abundant rest when he knew we needed it. Other waiting periods were just plain difficult, and I know that God was working on my heart and trust in him in those times. Either way, I am very thankful God is in control of the timing of everything.

I am praying that despite our low sperm counts, our lowered odds after trying to conceive for this long, my cysts at the start of this cycle, and the fact that this is our 4th IUI...our God who can and does perform miracles will bless us with conception this month!

So..IUI Cycle #4 has started!

Thank you for advice and encouragement yesterday! You ladies had some great suggestions that I hadn't thought of, and it totally cheered me up to remember that there were ways to work around things and I didn't have to throw in the towel for the next couple months. :)

That said, my appointment this morning went well. I do love my RE - he took time to chat with me and see how I was doing. He also said he thinks we should try one more IUI, and he is always optimistic and realistic at the same time. He is hopeful that it could work, but also maps out the big picture that points to IVF with ICSI if the IUI's don't result in a pregnancy.

I did have two cysts, BUT they checked my E2 levels and, based on those results, they said I could still take the meds and cycle right away. I don't really understand the cysts - how do I have two when I only had one follicle/ egg last month? How can I be "good to go" when they are 14 and 19mm? Why are some cysts problematic while others are ok? I need some time to google these darn things! But I trust my RE that I'm clear to cycle....

I also asked about the Christmas day schedule/ possible IUI. They are open only for IUI's that have to happen that day, but also suggested timing things through the trigger shot so I could come in on the 26th and just do one IUI (assuming I'm ready to trigger on cycle day 10 like I did in the past). I like this idea, so if my body cooperates we may do this.

The med schedule is almost the same as IUI #2: 50mg clomid days 3-7, and 75ius Menopur days 8-9. A number of you suggested asking about an injectible only IUI, but my RE and I are being conservative. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable with more than 3 mature follicles. I know this might seem a little silly to be so cautious about high order multiples when I have never ever been pregnant, we have MFI, etc....I mean, what are the chances? But I would not selectively reduce and just don't want to take the chance of putting my babies at risk because there are too many of them in there. But I'm a very cautious person in general. :) Plus, the Menopur provides some benefits of potentially developing multiple follicles (just not too many), and my RE says there are higher success rates than with clomid alone. Whew. There's my two cents for you, sorry that answer got so long!

I also have some thoughts swimming around in my head about IVF - DH and I talked about it some more on Monday. I look forward to sharing with you all where we're at with that, but it will have to be another post.

Lastly, I am SO SORRY that I am terribly behind on commenting. Please know I have been reading (since I can read blogs in reader and post to my blog via email I can do that on my breaks at work!), and I hope to catch up on some commenting soon. xxoo

Cycle Day 1 - Cyst Questions

Cycle day 1 today - glad it came quickly.

I'm trying to prepare myself for the fact that I will most likely have a cyst again and have to sit out this cycle.

Anyone else get cysts after every medicated cycle? Does this say something bad about my body?

Also, I've seen other girls take birth control pills when they've had cysts. Is there any advantage to doing this? One worry I have is that I actually still had a small cyst at the start of this last cycle, which turned into a dominant follicle so I only got one follicle. Are the BCP's more effective at eliminating the cysts? Also, if you were on BCPs for cysts, how long were you on them for?

If I don't have any cysts, it looks like our IUI part 1 would fall on Christmas Day if my body responds like it usually does. I would be so sad to have a cyst and have to sit out again, but I also just don't know if we can swing an IUI on Christmas Day. Technically we could, but the thought of explaining having a doctor's appointment on Christmas Day to my family who doesn't know much about our infertility is really unappealing. So I'm not sure what we'll do.

I also got sad as I counted ahead to our Januray cycle that we very well might be out of state for a wedding around ovulation time. It's hard to predict the timing that far ahead, but my body is fairly consistent. It makes me cry thinking about having to sit out two cycles.

As DH and I talked about the timing last night, he said, "Maybe it's time for IVF." Wow. That possibility has always been in my mind, and it has felt more and more like it could become a reality. But it is so daunting and depressing.

Sorry this post is such a downer - thanks for all you sweet encouragement the last couple days!

Not pregnant

I tested again today, and I'm not pregnant. I had no real symptoms to tempt me to hopefulness, so I didn't fall too far.

But I long.

And wait.

I'm tired.

My heart hurts.

I get scared about what lies ahead.

I feel stuck.

I keep praying.

And tears flow.

10dpo: I tested

BFN.

It's still early, and you should probably save your condolences for the real test date at 14dpo.

But, the downside of testing early is that even though I know in my head it's still early, I feel like the BFN today points to the direction this cycle is going. This cycle feels over already.

I had the most vivid dream last night that I tested and saw the second line pop up instantly. It appeared so fast that I thought something was wrong with the test, so I took another one and, again, that second line popped up immediately. It was such a happy dream, but was not predictive of this morning's events.

The upside? I'll test again tomorrow, and assuming I get another BFN I think I will be able to go on all the rides at Dis.neyland without worrying, just like my RE said to. (That's why I tested early)

Dis.neyland dilemma

First of all, I have to say what a treat it was to read your comments on my spiritual musings post! It was funny, though, so many of you said I have so much faith, but I saw my lack of faith woven throughout the post - like how I try to 'outsmart' God! Haha! But by his grace he is giving me faith each day, and I thank you for your encouragements.

Now, onto my dilemma. There's some background info, so bear with my while I explain.

I have a half-brother who is quite a bit older than me (12 years, to be exact). He and my dad (and thus, my family) were not in contact with him for a ten year period while I was in high school/ college, but he got married 5 years ago and our connection was re-established. Needless to say, with such limited contact, he is my brother but he is also like an acquaintance. DH, my parents, and I went out to visit him & his wife 2 years ago, and now they are coming out here to visit us this weekend. It is so good that we are all re-connecting (especially for my dad & brother's relationship!), so I am thankful they are coming out. But it's also a little nerve wracking, if you get my drift. :)

All that to say...we are going to Dis.neyland with them this Friday, since they live out of state and that is something they want to do. Normally, I would be so excited to do this - I love Dis.neyland but don't go very often, and it will be so pretty and festive for Christmas! It will also be a fun way to hang out with everyone. But there's one thing...

I will be 11dpo. And there are rides there that say not to ride if you are pregnant. What the heck does that mean for somebody nearing the end of their tww who could be pregnant but is also infertile so is probably not pregnant? It's such a mind game!

I asked my RE about this at the IUI, and he said to go on any rides I want and that it won't effect the cycle. He was very kind but I'm sure he viewed my question as one of those "crazy-infertile-lady-over-thinking-ever-little-thing" questions. But wouldn't you guys think twice about this, too?

So here are the options I can think of....what would you do?

1. Follow my RE's advice and not worry about it. Go on any ride. (Downside: I can't help but fear causing the embryo to not implant or something if there was an embryo!)

2. Take an HPT at 11dpo. If positive, don't go on any of the risky rides. If negative, go on whatever rides I want. (Downside: I don't really want to test at my parents' house and then have to spend the day at Disn.eyland with everyone if it's negative....or positive for that matter. Plus, it may still be too early and thus not accurate, and this still allows for the downside from option #1)

3. Don't take the risk. Sit out from all the risky rides. (Downside: Um, how do I explain this to my family? We haven't told them about all of our IF stuff. This would be awkward, but maybe I would just have to fess up?)

4. Some other idea??

Am I being a ridiculous infertile? Help! :)