A year ago today...

...we found out we were officially infertile.

DH had gone in for the first of what would be many SA's on Halloween. Early in the next week he got a call from his primary care physician to come in the following day to go over the results. I remember wondering if the fact that DH had to go over the results in person meant there was a "problem," but didn't know enough about doctors and how things worked to actually get worried.

A year ago today, DH called me as he was driving home from that momentous appointment. It was about 11:00 am, and I was alone in the office at my work. He repeated what the doctor had said, that everything looked normal except the motility. It's funny to look back and remember that I didn't even know what motility meant (it's the percentage of how many sperm move, in case you're wondering)! DH didn't sound too worried, and he had gotten a referral to a urologist.

After we hung up, I tried to resume my work. But my mind was racing with this new piece of information, and I so badly had the urge to google. But how could I could about sp.erm at work!? I tried to keep working. But the unknown was filling me with such anxiety and dread, that I gave into temptation and started googling. Pretty quickly I saw the seriousness of our situation, and sobs formed deep in my chest.

I left work and met DH at home for lunch. We laid on our bed and DH held me while I cried. We prayed. I didn't go back to work that day.

As I look back on that day, I am amazed to say that I feel like I am in a much better place than I was then. On some level that is so strange to say because it's been an entire year and I am still not pregnant, and the reality of potentially never conceiving is that much closer. On many levels I think I should be worse off right now than I am.

But - I am well.

My life in this season is marked with deep sadness and intense moments of fear that I must give to the Lord. I struggle with the frustration that my life is not what I had envisioned or hoped it would be at this point. I wrestle with trusting God and his plan for my life.

But - I am well.

And, finding out we were infertile felt like a piece of God's plan had, indeed, been revealed in my life. I found comfort in that this past year that I did not have prior to our diagnosis as we were unsuccessfully trying to conceive. I never would have chosen it, but he has set DH on this infertility journey. And if this is where God wants me to be for his glory, this is where I want to be. Even when it is hard and it hurts.

I am well.

My cup does overflow. My soul is well - I am saved! I have a relationship with my Creator, my heavenly Father. And I have many earthly blessings: a warm, vibrant, and loving church community, old friends who know me so well, new friends who have been wonderful to grow in friendship with, a ministry that is both a challenge and a joy, and, most significantly in this season, a loving, Godly husband who walks with me.

I am well.

I think DH has H1N1

Let me start by saying that he has not been tested for H1N1, nor has any doctor "diagnosed" him. This is purely my own non-medical opinion. But at lunch time today DH called me to tell me he was leaving work because he was chilled and achey with a fever. Sounds like the flu to me.

Before I sound like a hypochondriac alarmist, this is what I have heard: Doctors in my area are not usually testing for H1N1 unless things gets "serious," but one doctor told a friend of ours that anyone they have tested with flu symptoms did have H1N1. Apparently, it is the flu virus going around town at the moment.

Thus, I am guessing this is what DH has. Thankfully it has been a relatively mild version (so far). His fever was about 100 when he first tested, and as the Tylenol wore off it was at 99.7 this evening. He has chills, body aches, and a stuffy nose. He said the last time he had the flu two years ago was worse.

Overall, I'm not too worried. He called his doctor because he has asthma and this is a "higher risk" group, but his doctor said to drink fluids, rest, etc. and just call if he has any respiratory problems.

I hope the fever is not effecting his sp.erm. There is no way to know if it does or will, but I do wish DH would stop getting these fevers just in case!

One silver lining to not being pregnant at the moment: if I do get H1N1 from DH, at least I will not have to worry about our baby or be in the "high risk" group.

Do you know people with H1N1, or have you had it yourself?

spotting and Halloween

Just like my last post-medicated cycle, I have been spotting continuously since my period stopped (and last time that happened for the complete 19 day cycle). It is incredibly annoying, but I am trying to count my blessings that I am healthy, and not in any pain or discomfort. I can handle annoying.

Unlike like last time, I got a beautiful and positive second line on an OPK yesterday (cycle day 8). I might get another, more positive one today....we'll see. I keep meaning to start taking my temperature so that I can really know what's going on this cycle and if I do in fact ovulate, but I never seem to remember when I wake up in the morning. I used to be such a diligent charter, and LOVED having a complete and accurate chart. Now those few temps around potential ovulation are somewhat problematic to obtain.

****

We had an action packed weekend, and I am thankful that this cycle continues to fly by. We hosted a Halloween party on Saturday night and it was so.much.fun. I love hosting parties. I made chili, cornbread, and cute Halloween cupcakes and we had about 25 people over. There were 4 kids who came and we had The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown for them the watch, followed by a game where they had to eat a mini donut with no hands that was dangling from a string. It was hilarious to see some 2 and 3 year olds attempt to do this - they were so adorable!

This was our 2nd annual Halloween party, I guess. We never intended to necessarily make it a tradition, but it just might turn into that. Everyone seemed to appreciate having something to do on that night, and hopefully they had as much fun as I did.

I hope you had a great weekend! Did you do anything for Halloween?

ETA: Yes, we did dress up! We were an Am.ish couple....a little strange, I know. We got the costumes for another youth group event earlier in the year and re-used. :)

small freedoms

After the initial disappointment of a forced break this cycle, the week as flown by. It's amazing how much faster the days go by when I'm not counting cycle days or days past ovulation.

I also think I am enjoying the freedoms of a non-treatment cycle:

• The day of the cyst discovery, I drank a diet coke. And had a piece of chocolate.
  
• The day after I found out about the cysts, I enjoyed a nice warm cup of coffee. Two, actually. (Although I did ask my RE on Monday if I should avoid coffee while cycling, and he said one cup a day is ok. I don't even drink that much, so apparently I was depriving myself for no reason).
• I skipped two prenatal vitamins. It was an accident, but it just dropped of my radar. And, honestly, I am a baby about swallowing pills, so after the fact I did take some delight in not taking them.
  

I know, I know, I'm such a rebel. :) It is just nice to live life "normally" sometimes.

Another interesting thing is that I am way less stressed about DH and his sp.erm. I think we've done all we can do, and we have seem some improvements to his SA numbers as well as some drops. They are all over the place, so if DH forgets to take his slew of vitamins one night, is it really going to make a difference? I think we both feel a sense of freedom in that. We can't control it.

CD 2 update - Boo

Went to the RE this morning on cd 2 for my baseline u/s. He found a cyst on each ovary.

Boo.

No medications for me this cycle. He said we could do a natural IUI if we want, but my initial thoughts are it wouldn't be worth it. I might have a weak ovulation and then all of my spotting...I think I need to the meds to get and stay pregnant.

What would you do if you were me - sit it out (with timed intercourse) or do a natural IUI?

I haven't gotten a chance to google the cyst issue yet, but I have read about it on a number of blogs. The RE said it's common, and the only "bad" thing is that I can't take medications. He said most go away on their own after a month. Anyone have any experience with this? What if they are still there next month?

Also, I am a little freaked out because I had such a wonky cycle after my last clomid cycle. I was switching RE's at that point, so I never had an ultrasound. But...I had a normal period that shifted to continual spotting. I bled/ spotted for 19 days straight and then got another period. Now, I know I normally spot like crazy, but that was extraordinary even for me! And based on temperatures, I also did not ovulate that cycle. So....maybe I had a cyst or two then too? Am I going to get cysts after every medicated cycle?? Ugh.

I cried more today than I did the day of the BFN. I think the fact that I could turn around and get right back on the horse to keep trying was such an encouragement to me last week. I have always had to wait for one reason or another, but I was excited that I could finally just get going on back to back treatments. Bam, bam, bam, one IUI after another until a BFP, you know?

But, here I sit.

Before I sound full of despair, I have to share with you a sweet moment I had with the Lord this morning that has comforted me so much today. As I drove down, I listened to this sermon on the way to the RE this morning. This is not from my church, but it is a pastor that DH discovered and we really like his sermons. So, DH had listened to this one and told me it was really encouraging to him in light of our infertility. Ironically, one of the two parts is about Hannah, who prays to God after suffering through her barrenness. And as I listened to it this morning, I wept. It touched all the sadness in my soul and pointed me to the God who hears my cries and works in the middle of difficult situations to show his glory. At one point the pastor said something to the effect of, "Are you in a difficult situation? That's God's main platform to work in." I'm not expressing it as well as he did, but feel free to listen to the sermon and be encouraged like I was.

As I drove home after finding out we're sitting out this cycle, I cried again. I prayed and cried and told God all of my desires and fears....like Hannah did. I poured out my soul to my loving Father. What a blessing that God had me listen to this sermon on this day, and I am so thankful he hears my prayers!

Wow and thank you

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the outpouring of love and support. Having your comments pop up in my email all throughout the day brought some sunshine to an otherwise dark feeling day. Thank you for all of the prayers. I am humbled that there are people out there praying and caring for me whom I have never met. Thank you - I cannot say it enough!

I tested again this morning to confirm the negative result. Today was the day my RE instructed me to do so, and said if it is negative to stop the progesterone and call in when my period arrives. They don't do blood pregnancy tests for IUI's (not sure about IVF). As long as we get the green light, we plan on doing another IUI cycle right away.

I continue to trust in the Lord and wait on him. Hear my cries, Lord!

*****

Last night DH and I went out to dinner at one of our usual spots that is familiar and cozy. We talked about our infertility a little at the beginning, and DH got really sad. Each cycle I see a little more sadness in him, too. But we moved on and had a really nice night.

In fact, I ended up laughing harder than I have in a long time - it was such a fun blessing! I don't know if it will be as funny written out here (maybe you just had to be there), but it was too funny to not share with you.

Background: I've mentioned before that DH and I are volunteer youth leaders at our church. Our students are turning 16 this school year, and one of my girls and one of his guys each got their driver's license this week. That led to us talking about how many of the kids seem to get cars pretty quickly, while DH and I didn't have our own car until we graduated college. I asked DH if it was a difference in "our generation" or were we just the exceptions?

DH: Most of my friends had cars in high school.

Me: Huh, I guess we were the weird ones then.

DH: No, I wasn't a wei.ner. I had all my friends to drive me around.

Me: Wait, what did you just say?

DH: I said I wasn't a wei.ner. I was cool.

Me, starting to laugh: That's what I thought you said...but I said we were weird, not wei.ners!

DH: Oh, I thought that's what you said.

Me, laughing really hard now: Seriously!? When have I ever used the word wei.ner to describe someone!? And you said it like it was totally normal...!

Thus began my laugh out loud fest in which I laughed so hard I saw people looking over at me from other tables. Fun times!

(Ok, even as I typed that up I started laughing out loud. DH asked me what I was laughing about, and I told him. He said it wasn't that funny! Ha! So sorry if I am the only one so greatly amused by our miscommunication!)

PS- Somebody a few posts back asked why I put periods in the middle of some words (like wei.ner). It just prevents people from finding my blog using that word in a search engine. I usually use it for body parts since, well, there are a lot of gross things and people on the internet. I've seen other people use it for brand names or people's names, too. Hope that helps and sorry I forgot to respond to your comment sooner!

One line

BFN. :(

I woke up at 5:30am and had to pee, so I decided to go for it. There was no way I'd be able to ignore the urge to pee and the possibility of knowing if I were pregnant or not.

Peeing on a stick is such a funny thing. This morning before doing so I would have said I was not pregnant. But as I stood there for those long 3 minutes, all of the hope I had suppressed throughout the cycle resurfaced. A miracle can happen, you know, and maybe this is it, I thought. I prayed while I stood there that God would help me to trust him whatever the outcome. I imagined waking up DH to tell him our wonderful news, driving to the drugstore to get one of those fancy HPTs I never spend the money on, and celebrating together this morning over a multitude of positive pee sticks. All of that in those measly 3 minutes that ended with only one line.

I crawled back in bed and resorted to one of my coping mechanisms - sleep. But it was a restless, unsettled sleep filled with thoughts of strange, negative things. I pressed against DH and he instinctively spooned me, which comforted me without him even knowing.

He woke up an hour later.

"Hey, isn't it time for you to take a pregnancy test," he said.

"I did already," I responded.

"Oh," he said flatly, "It was negative."

Then he wrapped his arms around me tightly.

****

Thank you all for your amazing support! You all remain so hopeful for me even when I cannot. Thank you. And I'm still expecting to see some positives from those of you wrapping up your cycle as well!!